Trying to find words is not always easy. In fact most of the time, it’s incredibly difficult. You open your mouth but nothing comes out. You want to scream and shout until anyone can hear you, nothing. Silence is all you can give, why? because your body is numb and your mind is screaming. You want nothing more than for it to stop, you want silence on the inside not the outside. I have spent many days and nights wishing for such silence, all I’ve got? Is a screaming match in my mind. I’ve stood in front of people who mean the world to me, with tears rolling down my face. They were scared, they didn’t know the right thing to say. They turned their back on me out of fear. I had no intentions of going anywhere, I was just sad? Can we not just be sad? I have people fighting in my mind but that’s just it? It’s not just anyone, it’s me. I’m fighting with myself, every day. Every day I fight to keep my life on this beautiful planet. Fighting what feels like an endless fight, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you cannot see the war I am fighting. I’m sorry you cannot see the damage it is doing. I’m sorry I can’t be happy all the time. I’m sorry I’m breaking down and it’s scaring you. I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for the struggles I face, for I am not the only one. There are thousands if not millions of beautiful people wondering the same thing as I. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What is my fantasy and what is my reality? Am I really alive? but that’s not the biggest question of all. I have lay many nights with a wet pillow from tears, you have known but you didn’t speak. I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink and I barely slept. If I slept I slept too long, the whole day would be gone. You came and you went, living out your day as you wanted whilst I was frozen still. You kept passing me by and not once did you notice, there was nothing in my eyes. Where there was once light and hope, there was nothing more than a sheer darkness. The biggest question anyone ever wants to ask, can you see me?